Honor

Yesterday marked the 2nd year since the day of my fathers death. I tried to summon the words to say –  to describe the way I felt. The way I feel whenever I remember him and all he was. Father, Husband, Engineer, Philosopher, Inventor, Employer, Judoka, Doctor, DJ, Rebel, Artist, Friend.

But my friends, my words, they failed me. And so I tried to find a song. Something that could capture the essence of my feelings. But music, my muse – she failed me still. So I went to bed with a mind heavy with words left unsaid, thoughts left unexpresed and only a series of brief converstions with my brother and a few friends about the day that had changed my life.

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It was a few minutes to midnight when he told me to leave the hospital. When he said that he would be fine and struggled to his feet to close the door behind me. I was worried but I could not object. Daddy was always right. And so I left.

The call came the next morning. From the tone I could tell it was not good. I pleaded with God to not let it be so. To let the edge in my uncle’s voice have been nothing but nerves. But it wasnt. My brothers and I arrived to the news that Daddy had passed away in the night. We identified his body. And in that instant I was reduced to nothing.

Have you ever seen a powerful explosion? One that is strong enough to push the air away from its epicentre to create a vacuum? When the explosion is done, the air all comes rushing back – an implosion of sorts. Everytime I remember the events that occured 731 days ago, it pushes eveything away from my mind – emotions, thoughts, dreams and memories and leaves nothing but the memory of itself. And when it is over, everything comes back. First the memories of times shared. Then the dreams of the future planned and then the raw unbridled emotion, the intense sensation of love and respect that my father always invoked in me. It all comes rushing back and for a moment I cannnot breathe. I am reduced to nothing. And then it is gone. Just as suddenly as it came.

I have done a great many things since that day – some of which I am proud of and some of which I am not. But I live everyday with the spirit of my father behind me and I think he would be proud of what his children have acheived in the last two years. Some of these acheivements have come at great cost but they have been necessary. I’m sure the spirit of my mother stands proudly beside his because they were never apart. Not even death could separate them for long. So they are with us and they guide us.

I like to think that in my being, living, loving, thriving and succeeding I honor them. And I intend to do so for a long time to come.

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I finally found a song that I think is fitting. Its a piano instrumental by a little-known producer named Dansonn but it is beautiful, sad and strangely inspirational at the same time. it is called Honor the fallen

Honor the fallen

 

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18 thoughts on “Honor

  1. Oh my baby *a big spiritual hug to you, since i can’t make it physical*. I’m sure Daddy is very proud of you like your kindred spirits here are. May he continue to rest in peace and happiness on how well his ‘other selves’ are doing where he left behind.

  2. Wow!!! Lost my father too. It will be two years in June. And like you it was heart wrenching seeing him in the hospital and when i got that call that he was dead? Words cannot begin to describe how i crashed, how i wept, how i lost my friendship with God. It was too painful. We live on knowing they are in a better place. We live on knowing that they raised us well to carry their good name. Bless.

  3. words fail me.

    I can’t even pretend to know/understand how you feel and I’m not going to ask you to take heart or any of those things cos I know you’ve heard them all.

    He seems to have been a great man. You should come to Nigeria so we can have that baby…I’m pretty sure he’d like that. 🙂

    xoxo

  4. I know that this cannot express your emotions as you would want it to.. But we share with your pain.. My his soul continue to rest in perfect peace.. Stay strong bro..

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