Trying To Mend The Broken

In the last 3 years of my life, I have become very close to more girls than in all the preceding years combined. Oddly, the one thing I have come to realize is that almost every single one of them was abused in one way or another as children. This abuse has ranged from the mild: Innappropriate touching, kissing, show-me-I-show-you to the downright diabolical: Vaginal and anal rape, forced oral sex accompanied by severe beatings and even death threats to assure their continued silence. 

They have all responded to this abuse in different ways. Some have let it define every relationship they have had with men, others have shrugged it off like it was nothing and some have made their peace with it and long since moved on. Even though I stand firmly against castration or any other form of penile mutilation in general, for these rapists and molesters, I would make an exception. I hope Cerberus, the 3-headed guardian dog of the underworld bites off their organ of defilement once they enter the hell which they so richly deserve. However, that is neither here nor there. The victims are the primary concern.  I have never been a victim of abuse myself so I am in no position to say much about it except to express my disgust with the perpetrators in a Rant which would not be very useful.

However,  I have a something written by a friend who was a victim of abuse herself. She has grown to be a remarkably strong young woman and I believe she has risen above her ordeals (mostly). She shares her stories  and opinions on abuse. When she sent this to me I knew I just had to post it up here.  So this is for everyone…

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…TRYING TO MEND THE BROKEN

“I remember the rocking game uncle and I used to play. Both of us would take off our underwear and I’d sit on the stick on uncle’s laps. Then he’d tell me to rock back and forth like I was on a horse, hitting me to go faster sometimes. I’d go fast and fast, as fast as I could go, then his eyes would behave funny and his head would fall back. When I became about 9 or 10, I would feel some sort of excitement when I sat on uncle’s stick. I’d go faster even before he asked. It was when I went to university at 16 that uncle and I stopped our private game. It was also while I was at university that I understood what uncle’s little game was and that none of my friends had played this game with their dads or uncles. I cannot understand how I didn’t get pregnant or get HIV all these years, guess I was just lucky.”

 These are the words of a very close friend as told to me.

Every time I remember this particular conversation with her, I relive the pain, the hurt, the sorrow over a childhood gone, an innocence stolen, a trust betrayed. Statistics have a lot to say about women who have been or would be sexually abused sometime in their lives. Personally, 50% of the girls/women I know have been sexually abused somewhere between the ages of 5-21. By people close to them; fathers, uncles, house maids, drivers, aunties, teachers, sisters, friends, brothers.

So this is for everyone (male and female) who has ever been a victim of sexual abuse/assault. First of all, trust me, It wasn’t your fault. Many of us are quick to blame ourselves. “Maybe I was giving off the wrong signals”, “maybe I seduced him”. “Maybe I was in the wrong place”. Trust me; none of it was your fault.

In the same way, you should never let sexual abuse define you. Never let it indicate what you become, what you would use your life to do. Of course ‘something’ has been taken from you, but you should, in no way, let it determine the course your life would take. You should not feel dirty or defiled or less than anyone else. It’s a setback, yes, but it doesn’t stop you from being whoever or whatever you want to become.

I also believe you should get tested, properly. You dont know much about the other sexual habits of the person who molested you and it would be prudent to have a proper exam to make sure you didnt get infected with anything that may hinder chances of having a normal life afterwards. 

Please give yourself some allowance to forgive yourself for and let go of whatever you believe you may have done to contribute to the sexual abuse. Then the next step is to forgive the person. This is probably the hardest step to take, but it’s the best thing you’d ever do in my opinion. Forgiving the perpetrator says ‘this has happened, it is bad, but I’m going to put it behind me and move on with my life. It’s important to realize that most of the time, the perpetrator is also a human going through some private storms (which may include, but is not limited to their own sexual abuse). You can start by saying ‘I forgive …(Insert name)’ … every day and gradually work up to a point where you feel you can let go.

Let me add here, that forgiving a person doesn’t say that you should not report the incident to the appropriate authority. That’s a personal choice, and that brings me to the next point. Talk to someone about it, whoever you feel comfortable talking about it to. Personally, the first person I ever opened up to was a complete stranger. I felt at peace with it. I don’t think I can ever tell my parents or some of my friends about it because I don’t think they can handle the hurt that accompanies such things. It might fracture them and their carefully constructed view of me.

Let me also mention that in making the decision to report the incident or not, you may want to consider how much of your life you want in the public eye. If you decide to report the case, you must be ready for the storm that may follow in its wake, especially in a country like ours. Going to the police station, writing a statement, talking to family, hiring a lawyer, maybe being on the witness stand and even being blamed for what happened (true talk).

Allow me to reiterate that sexual abuse is never your fault, and you have not lost any value by being a victim of it. It is very possible to have been sexually abused and recover from it. I did.

 

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If you have been a victim of abuse and need someone to talk to about it or you have victimized someone and would like to start talking your way toward redemption, I’ve been made aware that there is a great show on the air in Lagos – Inspiration FM’s “Sharing Life’s Issues” with Chaz B. Its on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays from 7:00 – 8:00 pm.  You can call and speak with Professional Counselors or just bare your soul. Call (+234) 2772923, 2773923, 7673923, 7668923. Obviously, there will be other helplines available depending on where you are: Churches, Hospitals, Community groups… Find one if you need to.